It’s been 7 hours and 36 days, since I last posted on instagram (ah ah ah ahhhhhh ah).
It would be a lie to say the burnout reared it’s ugly head again. More like it came to collect my soul.
TRIGGER WARNING (depression, suicide)*
My reality for almost all of November.
11 days of severe depression
11 days of s* ideation.
It wasn’t until the day after Thanksgiving that things began to level off. This time around required calling friends for help, which, I’ve never done. The shame of it all left me to dig a bigger hole every time. The total irony of making clothing designed to create a moment to laugh at yourself for the audacity of claiming space and eyes and here I am, unable to do the most basic of functions.
As of now, I’ve quit the day job as I know it was the biggest trigger. I’m now in the hands of 3 different doctors working hard to try and find the source. I’m getting a brain scan on Friday. I am not fucking around with this anymore.
I’m also no longer going to sit in the shit. If I’ve learned anything in all these years, it’s that in the distant future (be it near or far), we wake up one day and suddenly it all makes sense. For me, this whole Mu’umu’u thing was about play. It was hard enough getting dressed with measurements like mine and after spending all of my teens acclimating because I was tired of being bullied, finding these audacious dresses felt like a homecoming. A proclamation of personality on the outside as felt on the inside.
This last round has made me realize how much of myself no longer existed. I stopped experimenting in the kitchen, once my greatest of loves. I stopped making playful things for the hell of it.
Somehow, while still in the funk and with the same very dear friends who came to my rescue, it was decided that for the upcoming “Christmas Vacation” themed holiday party, I would go as Aunt Bethany’s Jello Mold.
I needed something as far-fetched as the concept of Muumuus Across America. Nevermind I’ve never sewn vinyl and only had an inkling of an idea of how it would close and how the last resort was me sewing a zipper into it at the 11th hour…it felt like me. Everyone laughed. I won the contest. But, it felt fun.
Fun was supposed to be the advent calendar. I was going to introduce a fabric for everyday with a mish-mash of designs old and new. Alas, that time has come and gone BUT the opportunity still awaits. So as I start to balance out, I’m going to stretch myself as well and start making the things that I’m curious about. The things I’d wished I would have done but was too scared to do. The things I started but didn’t finish because I had a brain that told me it wasn’t good enough. As much as I can get done by Christmas will be up on the site for a post holiday sale and whatever doesn’t make it will arrive in the new year.
To be honest, I don’t know what comes after that. We’re about to undergo some major changes, if you haven’t already started to feel it. (Pluto moves into Aquarius, which we haven’t seen since the American Revolution, The French Revolution and The Industrial Revolution. I think you can put that theme together). I know I’m changing. But one thing remains, my desire to give others a chance to dress as audaciously as possible to allow an inner wild child to run free.
What that looks like in 2024 and beyond is yet to be seen. But I can’t wait for the story to unfold and I hope you’ll stick around to find out.
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